On the day of this being published, the US will play its first (and possibly last) game of the knockout round of the World Cup. Sara was the captain of her soccer team in college, but I know about as much about soccer as I do about soap operas. In fact, they seem kind of similar – over dramatic with very poor actors. At the onset of the US/Portugal game Sara told me that soccer players were tougher than football players becuase they don’t wear pads. After about two dozen flops, dives, and players rolling on the ground crying – yes, crying – she recanted that statement.

Regardless of the level of toughness of the players, I have to admit that, like most of the country, I am keeping up with the World Cup. During the World Cup we always hear about how soccer is gaining popularity and will make a breakthrough in the US.

Don’t hold your breath. Yes – I am watching and even recording the games while I am at work, but that does not make me a soccer fan. I mean come on – I watch bobsledding and luge once every four years but that doesn’t mean I’ll be traveling to Sweeden anytime soon to go sledding.

Don’t get me wrong. Soccer is a great sport. The barrier to entry is low, it has international appeal, it is safer than football, and the uniforms are quite spiffy; but a 1-0 win after two hours of viewing is just not satisfying enough for most Americans. Here are my suggestions for making soccer more exciting:

  • Play with three balls at once… more action = more scoring = more exciting
  • Every time a player flops and does a poor job faking an injury, the opposing team’s striker gets to kick him in the shin as hard as he can
  • One person on each team is allowed to tackle anyone, anywhere, anytime¬†without a penalty
  • Stop the clock when not in play and actually play a specified amount of time like every other friggin sport in the world.¬† Then you will actually know when the game will be over and clock will mean something!
  • Ban all players who wax their eyebrows – yes, I’m talking about you, Cristiano Ronaldo